What I've Done
by datawolf39
Summary: Spock didn't find out that Kirk survived the fight on Vulcan until it was too late. T for MC deaths and slashy undertones.
**A/n So this was written based heavily on a video by Maria Nikulina. It was a alternate ending to Amok Time and I really wanted to write it as a fanfiction and I did so with her permission I started yesterday and found myself unable to stop until I was done. If you haven't seen the video I would recommend it.**

 **I admit to tearing up, during the writing of certain parts. I have never teared up due to my own writing before and it was quite the experience. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this little fic.**

* * *

"Live long and prosper, Spock," T'Pau said offering him the ta'al.

Spock returned the gesture, but could not reply in kind. "I shall do neither, I have killed my captain and my friend."

T'Pau's withered face regarded him passively and Spock turned away, not wanting to show any emotion to the matriarch. He was saved from the burning flames of the Pon'Farr, but he wished, however illogically, that he had been consumed by the fires of his need, for then his captain, his dearest friend, his T'hy'la, would still live.

"Mister Scott one to beam up," he said into his communicator. Spock did not dare lock eyes with the engineer after he materialized on the pad. He knew that his shame was known shipwide and he could not bare to see the hatred that must lie in the eyes of those who were his comrades.

"Doctor McCoy wants ye in the Sickbay, Commander," The engineer said.

"Thank you, Mister Scott, " Spock replied still not meeting the other man's eyes.

His steps to the Sickbay, were unhurried and dignified. He had walked the route a multitude of times and he arrived in precisely the amount of time he had predicted. Spock walked through the doorway, head held high, and arms held behind his back, At a desk he could see Doctor McCoy and Nurse Chapel, and he readied himself for the speech he had to make.

The CMO and the nurse met him halfway into the office, and he moved to stand in the open doorway that led to the biobeds.

"Doctor I shall be resigning my commission immediately, of course,"

"But Spock," the doctor said, interrupting his speech.

Spock pressed on, determined to speak the words he required of him. "So I would appreciate you making the final arrangements." It was unfair and selfish of him to ask this of the doctor, but aside from Kirk, _Jim,_ the doctor was his closest friend. He wanted his formal punishment to be in the doctor's hand, to have justice rendered that way would be fitting.

"Spock I," the CMO tried once more.

"Doctor," Spock said imploringly, "Let me finish, There can be no excuse for the crime of which I am guilty. I intend to offer no defense... Doctor...Leonard, I deeply regret my actions on Vulcan... know that I grieve for him... " Spock, having finished his appointed task, walked away from the doctor.

"Spock wait! Jim..." Spock heard no more having hurried off into the corridor.

* * *

Jim woke on the biobed to the sound of Spock's voice.

Doctor, let me finish, There can be no excuse for the crime of which I am guilty. I intend to offer no defense... Doctor...Leonard, I deeply regret my actions on Vulcan... know that I grieve for him... "

For a moment, Kirk lay there in stunned disbelief. Spock had admitted to feeling, and had resigned for something that was out of his control. The sound of the door shutting behind the Vulcan, gave him the energy boost to get off the bed.

McCoy made eye contact with him and together they hurried after Spock.

* * *

Once in his room, Spock's emotions finally bested him. He shed tears for the life that he had stolen. For the golden light in the universe that was Jim Kirk. He felt self-hatred for being the monster that had killed that light, destroyed a brilliance of life that would never be seen again. A lifetime of discipline helped him calm as he took a seat at his desk. He wrote a quick note of apology to the doctor for the actions he was going to take.

This too was unfair to the doctor, but Spock hoped the note would allow McCoy some reprieve from guilt. and then he picked up the knife, the utensil was leftover from a meal given by Nurse Chapel. With his death he would pay for his crime and McCoy would be released from the task of carrying out what he had asked of him.

 _'T'hy'la, I shall be joining you soon,'_ Spock thought, plunging the blade through his lower back and into his heart. His hand became sticky with his blood and he began to relax, despite the pain, as his vision began to fade. He was beginning to feel so cold. It would all be over soon. Soon...

A swishing sound reached his ears and he found himself being held in Kirk's arms. Perhaps this was an illusion produced to help him pass on. He did not deserve it. He deserved to have his katra lost to time, to simply cease to be. What he hoped that it was reality, for Kirk deserved to live.

"Spock," the could-be illusion said voice filled with a myriad of emotion.

Spock allowed himself a brief smile as the arms held him. The grief and fear of the human, were the emotions flowing into him. " I always have been and shall be your friend. Live long and prosper," he whispered. His awareness finally slipped away, he was at peace, knowing that Kirk had survived and that he would not be able to bring harm his T'hy'la ever again.

Kirk checked Spock's pulse. This couldn't have happened. It was a nightmare. It had to be. How could he live in a world where Spock didn't exist.

Jim, was roughly pushed away, as McCoy examined Spock. Jim hadn't even heard the man come through the door, but he was insanely grateful. McCoy would save Spock. There was a flurry of activity, but Jim refused to be separated from Spock. To leave him would be to give up the little hope he had that Spock could be saved.

M'Benga and McCoy worked tirelessly, trying to save the Vulcan. Finally, McCoy with a hardened tone said, "Call the time of death."

Jim stood there in stunned silence, watching as Nurse Chapel entwined her hand with Spock's, a tear running down her face.

"Jim I..." McCoy started. There were no right words to be spoken.

Kirk looked down. "Make a call to Vulcan, I will inform Ambassador Sarek and Lady Amanda of what has happened," Kirk said in monotone. There was blood on his shirt, he noticed. Green, a color that seemed garish on yellow fabric of his uniform. It didn't belong there. It shouldn't have been there. It was a reminder of whom he had lost, that he didn't need.

"I'll be in my room," he said to whoever listened. The trek to his quarters was a blur. He was surprised that he had even reached his destination.

Inside, he sat at his chair. A padd was on his desk. He picked it up. Paperwork. He could do it. It was mind numbing work and he needed numbness.

Hours passed slowly as he filled form after form. Then there was nothing left. His inbox was empty, just like he was. The emotion that he had held at bay, crushed him. Tears sprang forth and he doubled over trying to keep himself together, as the sobs shook his body.

What was it about him that attracted tragedy? Spock was supposed to outlive him, or they were supposed to die together. The best case scenario had been retiring together like Holmes and Watson had. They were supposed to be together. But Spock...he...Spock.

"Curse you," Jim cried. "Stupid, dumb, idiotic, self-sacrificing, Vulcan. Why? Just...why? You promised to be here. You promised," Jim sobbed. "It's not fair Spock. Not fair."

How long he remained curled in his chair was unclear. The next moment he was aware of was holding him while they laid in his bed.

* * *

The next day, Kirk stayed in bed until he was alerted that Spock's parents had been beamed aboard. It was all he could do to make himself presentable, but he felt he had to be the one to tell Spock's parents what had happened. It was the least that could do.

He walked to the guest room where Sarek and Amanda were. His stomach was in knots and his eyes wanted to tear up again, but he forced the tears away. McCoy met him at the door, "Are you certain you can do this, Jim?" he asked. The doctor's blue eyes were not dry either, but if Jim couldn't do it then he would.

"I'm sure, Bones. I have to." Kirk replied

McCoy nodded and wrapped his fingers loosely around Kirk's wrist in a subtle show of comfort, releasing just as they stepped through the door.

Sarek and Amanda looked over the moment the door opened.

"What is the meaning of this, Captain? My wife and I just return from a conference only to be forced into this room by your crew."

"Sarek, I am sure they have a reason," Amanda admonished.

"I am sorry for the inconvenience, Ambassador," Kirk said in a low even tone. "I would not have requested your presence without cause." here he took a fortifying breath. "Due to his Vulcan biology, S-spock," Kirk said with a noticeable stumble, "was forced to come to Vulcan."

Kirk witnessed both Sarek's and Amanda's eyes widen. "He was forced to fight me and I was seemingly killed. Spock resigned and retreated to his quarters to... commit...suicide. The medical staff tried their best, but... Spock had stabbed his heart... and he couldn't be saved," By the end Kirk's voice was hardly above a whisper.

The room was still until Sarek collapsed. McCoy ran to him instantly doing his duty as a doctor. "He having a heart attack," McCoy concluded.

Kirk followed them to Sickbay. Amanda was crying and Jim pulled her into a hug They stayed like that watching as the dials above the be fluctuated. Then all of the meters fell to critical ranges and then stopped.

Amanda clutched at him and Jim led her away in too much shock to do anything else.

* * *

It was an ungodly hour when Jim finally left Amanda to a fitful sleep. In his room he lay on his bed feeling as though he were a curse. First Spock had died and then Sarek as a result. He had killed them both. Amanda's grief was on his hands. Who was next? Bones? He couldn't let that happen. He'd already lost so much and he couldn't bare to lose another person.

With purpose, he got out of bed. He allowed himself no time to think. He hunted through his drawers until he found a ceremonial blade that he had received for some commendation. As he glanced at the silver weapon, he caught sight of a picture that had been taken of Spock, Bones, and himself during a shore leave. He picked it up looking at the image of Spock. "I tried Spock, but I..." Kirk sighed. "I knew I could never lose you, never, because losing you would mean losing myself. I was right." he murmured.

Unknowingly, copied Spock, by leaving a note addressed to McCoy, before impaling himself with the sword. As the red stain spread on his green shirt he laughed. "I'm Christmas," he whispered. The pain was easy to ignore, he had been living with so much emotional pain that he relished the physical. The last thing he was aware of was McCoy sobbing over him. I'm sorry, Bones, he wanted to say, but he hadn't enough energy to do even that.

* * *

Spock opened his eyes and found himself back on the Enterprise. 'How?' he wondered. Suddenly, from behind him, Kirk appeared.

"Jim!" Spock said smiling with a radiance that Kirk had never before bore witness to. Spock looked over Jim's shoulder and spotted his father. How was this possible?

"I apologize for the unsightly show of emotion," Spock said releasing Jim.

"There is no need my son, the cause is sufficient. It is I that owes you an apology. I hadn't realized the toll that forcing so many aspects of Vulcan culture would have. It is not logical to regret what one has done, but I find myself ashamed and guilty for the pain that I have caused you." Sarek seemed to hesitate for a moment. "I can see the question in your eyes, We are all in the great beyond, news of your death was too much for my heart. I love you, my son, I never said it enough to you, but it is the truth."

"Father," Spock whispered.

"T'hy'la, how have you come to be here?" Spock asked turning to Kirk.

"I couldn't take it, Spock. I tried, but your death was the one thing I could not survive. Please, don't be upset."

"T'hy'la, I get to share this existence with you, therefore it is illogical to morn that which I am grateful for.

Kirk smiled for a moment only to become puzzled. "Spock, what does 't'hy'la' mean?

Spock's eyes lit with emotion before he spoke.

Jim held no doubt that he would be happy in the afterlife.


End file.
